In Pursuit of Sunshine
by seven maxwell
Summary: The idea of a perfect relationship isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So what is that has Shuichi sitting in the rain all afternoon? One Shot


In Pursuit of Sunshine

7maxwell

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation. I only borrow the characters from time to time.

Enjoy!

Shu POV

"...to have and to hold, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do you part..."

How can so many simple words arranged in such a delicate manner have so much power? Is it the words themselves? Is it they way they are arranged? Maybe it's not what is said, so much, as when they are said? A wedding, a marriage, the commitment of two people who are entirely in love with each other; when one person cannot bear to part from the other that they bind themselves in ever loving matrimony. I can imagine then that no sweeter words could be spoken. To have and to hold in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do part. An acceptance of commitment, a promise of monogamy of patience and compromise of respect and trust. Basically all the good things that are needed in a working, loving relationship.

But as is often the case in many things, those words are much easier said then done. Loving someone is not as easy as it may seem. When you love someone there is a list of things that have to go with it. Acceptances, trust, commitment, monogamy, patience, compromise, communication, attraction, lust, respect, the list goes on but the majority of the words are similar in nature. It's basically giving yourself to another and laying all your faults and terrible secrets on the table for him or her to see. In essence, exposing yourself to the one you trust and hope to god that they don't laugh at you and throw your love away like yesterdays trash. It's a difficult, difficult obstacle in the game of romance but when all is said and done and both ends have come to an equal, understanding you will find yourself in a state of ... peace. There's a certain serenity in the knowledge that there is at least one person in this whole world who you don't have to pretend. You can be yourself without worry because that person loves you, the real you, every deep dark secret and embarrassing moments down to the quirky little things that you obsess over. They accept you and you accept them; and when you get to that point there's only one thing left to do, commit.

Imagine a palm full of vine seedling, you plant them, hope that with a little bit of water and sunshine that they grow up beautifully to drape over a wooden fence. It's the picture perfect image right? Now imagine the vines as a representation of what a relationship is. There is the seedling that grows much like a first relationship blossoms. It starts off slowly, hesitantly until it receives a little bit of nourishment and then things stem off from thereon. And much like a vine or ivy with continuous nourishment and careful treatment, a relationship can grow and spread out just like ivy that drapes over a wooden fence showing off its precious flowers for all to see.

But much like everything in life, even something as simple as an ivy will come across hurdles that will try to stop its mission of reaching the sunshine that just peaks over the other side. Now remember that the ivy represents a relationship and as such, as an ivy is, it is beautiful from afar but so much time and growth has been put into it even an ivy may come to a stop and wonder if it's growing on the wrong fence. Especially when it seems like it's the only one willing to go to the lengths it takes to reach the top and seek the sunshine on the other side.

And who's to say that even when it does reach the top, when both lovers throw themselves into doing what it takes to reach the path that leads down the aisle, that they will even walk it?

I lifted the ring Yuki gave me and held it up above me towards the sky. The three little diamonds sparkled slightly as I rotated it slowly. It was truly a beautiful thing, just like I had always dreamt it to be. I don't know how long I had been waiting for it's possession into my hand, years I think. And now that's it's finally in my hand, the meaning behind it the same as in my dream. Even the proposal was so romantic, more so then I had ever envisioned; our anniversary, Yuki on one knee holding up a red velvet box asking me that eternal loving question. I wanted to throw my arms around him, cry 'YES' as loudly as I could and then make sweet love all day long. I wanted to bask in the knowledge that Yuki does love me, enough to want to marry me. Enough to push his pride aside and actually propose to me like a boyfriend does a girlfriend. To put his heart on the line on what is a double-edged sword. On one side, I could say yes, and on the other, I could say no, rejecting him entirely, dashing his hopes and stomping on his pride. Ruining his trust in me and his respect.

He knew I wasn't going to say no, but no matter how certain he was, he still had a small cloud of doubt in the back of his mind. That small cloud that grew from puffy white to a dark shadowing storm cloud in a matter of seconds, and hinting beneath that beautiful honey colored eyes. That shadow of doubt that made you afraid to say no. That if you said no, then maybe more then his trust and respect in you would be lost. Maybe attraction, lust and worst of all love would be lost, leaving him to return to his previous cold nature and scathing remarks. And you, me, I would have no one to blame but myself for metaphorically pulling out the vines piece by piece with my bare hands leaving the once carefully decorated wooden fence, bare and empty.

So I said yes. It was what I wanted after all wasn't it? What I had dreamed of all these past years. Four years of hard work, determination and more then a lifetime of tribulation and stress endured for that moment and time. I knew my answer, he knew my answer but he still had doubt lingering like a storm on the verge of tears. He looked so vulnerable then, pouring his heart and soul out, reaching across the fence and desperately trying to touch the sunshine on the other side that I would've died rather then deny him the warmth he so badly wanted. But as he slid that ring onto my finger and gave me the most genuine smile, I had ever seen on his gorgeous face, something inside of me did die. It was then that I realized that I had no sunshine for myself. For years I had committed myself to bring happiness into his life, doing whatever it took to make him love me, trust me, respect me, even accept me for everything that I am. I made him want me by his side, to have and to hold in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do us part. I made sure he knew the way up the fence and to never stop seeking the top, that I neglected to spread my own vines. He expected me to say yes, but never believed that I would. He had reached the top and was basking in the sunshine while I was still shadowed by the looming darkness of a towering fence. He gave me a genuine smile of happiness, not really believing he would ever have a reason to.

His doubt, now mine, was no longer a storm cloud but like the current weather now. What should have been a dreamy perfect sunshine day, turned out to be a muddy, gloomy torrential downpour that was as cold and icy as I felt on the inside. He didn't believe that I would say yes, because he didn't believe that I really loved him. And if he did believe that, then it was his lack of belief that I accepted him because of something that happened years ago in a far off country. Something that still haunts him to this day and ruins the belief that someone would love or accept him when he didn't accept himself. He didn't believe in himself as he proposed to me because he didn't believe in me. He loves me, wants me, accepts me for who I am but didn't believe that I felt the same until I allowed him to slide the ring onto my finger. And when he no longer had any reason to doubt me, I found myself dealing with the doubts and disbeliefs he previously had. He no longer had any insecurity about me. I realized when he pulled me into his arms and whispered, 'I love you', in the exact way that I had always wanted him to, the way that I had badgered him for years to tell me, that I had absolutely nothing to give back.

I bullied my way into his life, disturbing the sullen peace he had, forced myself into his residence, his writing, his mind and his heart. I molded him into what I thought was what I had always wanted from him. I achieved my goal of reaching the top and the path that led down the aisle, but I did it on his side of the fence. I was basking in his sunshine, having neglected my own because I was too afraid to let him do it himself. So while he spread his vines and conquered what he could to reach the other side. I hadn't grown at all. I'm still the same person I was four years ago. While he's accommodated me, compromised his ways to allow me to grow on his fence, I haven't done anything in return. I'm as immature an ivy as I was when we met. Still too young in mind that as he spoke those words I had longed to hear I could do nothing but rip myself from his arms and sob mournfully in grief all the while hiding in the bathroom trying to ignore his pleading cries.

It was much later that I heard Yuki slam and lock the door to his study that I finally emerged from the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to seek him out so I grabbed my sneakers and headed out in this odd weather to find solace in the cold, wet rain. I figured that if my mind went numb enough, I might actually find a solution to my problem. But here I am hours later still running the same thoughts over and over in my head and having found nothing except contempt in myself. My clothes had soaked through hours ago and my legs and arms had stopped shivering to just go numb from lack of movement and the icy water that still poured down on me. I should have grabbed my jacket before I left but I couldn't take the chance that Yuki might have heard me emerge from the bathroom and sought me out himself. I didn't want to face him, not yet. It's not that I don't want to marry Yuki; it's that I do want to so badly but I haven't done anything to earn the right to.

"So this is where you ran off to."

I snapped my head up to meet red-rimmed honey colored eyes and soppy blond hair atop of a gorgeous face. What I wouldn't do to just run my fingers through his wet hair and brush away the strands that had plastered themselves onto his forehead. My fingers were ice cold though so he probably wouldn't appreciate that. I flexed my hands and slid the ring back on to my finger hopefully before he could notice that I had taken it off. His eyes caught the gesture though and a sad look washed over his face briefly before reverting back to a stoic expression. My heart clenched at that look and I wanted to kill myself for ever causing him pain.

"Yuki?"

"I was wondering where you had gone in such a hurry that you didn't bother to tell me you were leaving." Again, my heart clenched at my inconsiderate and immature behavior even towards my own lover.

"I-I'm sorry."

He sighed a little and took a seat next to me on the bench.

"At least you made it easy to find you," he said, "every time you get upset about something you always end up in this part of the park."

I hadn't realized I did that. Another token to his more observant method in becoming the better lover. It's like an added log to the fire of self-torment. Suddenly my looming tower of a fence just got taller and more out of reach. I didn't see the halo of sunshine at the top anymore instead just a never-ending shadow that lead up to darkness. To high and far out of reach that I wasn't sure I should even bother trying. It would take too long and with more work then either of us are prepared for. Besides that, Yuki's already at the top and sunshine only lasts so long; eventually the sun will set and disappear. And who's to say that if we do wait it out and allow my vines to grow and my blossoms to bloom that I will still be the same person? Will I still have the same feelings I do now? Or will I become somebody else?

"It's getting dark. We should be going home soon," Yuki said looking at his watch. And he's right; the sun was setting as we speak. Our anniversary was coming to an end and with it, the only solution I could think of to my problem.

"You ready to go?"

I hesitated; I didn't really want to do it. But to be far to Yuki, it's the only that I can do. I bit my lip and tried to use the pain to swallow the tears that wanted to come out. "Yuki...I'm sorry. I can't."

"It's cold and ugly out here. We can talk more when we get home." He said pulling his cigarettes out of his pocket and lighting one at his lips.

"No, I mean I can't..." I think he got the hint by the way he paused and then crushed the cigarette carton in his hand. He stood up and turned to walk away from me.

"Yuki" I grabbed the end of his jacket as tightly as I could with cold fingers. He stopped but didn't turn to face me.

"What now?" He growled and I couldn't help but flinch at the anger and pain in his voice. Oh, Yuki I wish it didn't have to be this way but you deserve so much better.

"Here" I tugged on his jacket to get him to turn around and once he did, I slipped the ring off my finger and held it up to him. I couldn't look him in the eye if I did I don't think I could go through with it. I didn't see him, but I could feel the glare directed at me. Goosebumps broke out and I started shivering again probably more from his glare then the cold I think. He took the ring but didn't say anything and I'm too afraid to say anything else. As minutes passed by and he still hadn't said anything I stood up slowly, letting whatever warm blood I still had in my body return to the frozen parts of me, and turn to walk away myself.

"Why?" He whispered so softly and so hesitantly that I almost didn't hear him. I turned to look at him and a wave of newfound tears rushed up to make my eyes burn with the unshed ones I already had. Gone was the stoic expression he had earlier, now his face showed only sadness and confusion. "What did I do wrong?"

"Yuki."

He growled aloud and gave me a weak glare. "Tell me what I did wrong."

"Yuki"

"Tell me what I did wrong Shuichi. Tell me how to fix it."

There's nothing for you to fix. Oh Yuki please don't think you did anything wrong, please. "Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong-"

"Then why won't you-" He clamped his mouth shut and fisted the ring in his hand. A single tear trickled down his smooth cheek and I wanted so badly to wipe it away. The tear slid off the side of his face just as the barely noticeable sun had set and I couldn't help think how morosely appropriate the timing seemed to be. The sun and his sunshine had set leaving us both in the dark. "You don't want to marry me?"

I shook my head, tears finally escaping my overfilled watery eyes. "I do. I want to marry you. I want to so badly. But I can't-"

"Why not? What do I have to do Shuichi?"

"It's not what you need to do Yuki. It's...I need to grow my own vines now. I need to seek out the warmth of my own sunshine."

Yuki looked confused. "What?" Maybe using my own metaphor wasn't such a good idea. "Look, I have no idea what the hell you're babbling about but let's go home, get dry, get warm and then we can talk more about it." He extended his hand towards me, the one with the ring and I had to turn away before I did anything more stupid.

"I'm sorry Yuki, but I can't" It tore my insides apart to say those words but it hurt more knowing that I'm doing what I have to do. If I didn't...he deserves so much better...I needed to go. I started walking away, away from Yuki, away from almost everything that has made me happy, but knowing that the happiness I indulged myself in was mostly because of my selfish needs for a handsome perfect lover that was also my most perfect muse...I don't deserve that. I didn't want to leave Yuki, and I wasn't planning on it, as far as I was concerned we were still a couple. Just not, ready to marry.

I figured if I gave Yuki a day or two to calm down and maybe get my own bearings straight, maybe we could figure this out. Actually, it's more of me figuring out what the hell I really wanted. Being linked to Yuki, not only on paper but as close as two people can be is more then I ever dreamed of. But there I go again! It's not about forming Yuki to what I want; it's about give and take. I've taken enough but not given nearly as much. And when I think about it, there's really nothing I can give. Just like his own ivy, he has formed blossoms, beautiful flowers that are ripe for picking and smell so sweet. Yet mine...

I took a few steps and then had to stop. The colors of the street lamps swirled around me and my knees had turned to jelly. A spine tingling shudder ran up and down my back and I belatedly realized how tired and truly numb I had become. I tried to take a step and felt gravity just suck the life right out of me. I distantly heard the sound of footsteps but it wasn't until warm arms wrapped around me before I kissed the ground that I realized Yuki had caught me.

"Idiot, you've gotten yourself sick." Yukis arms, warm and firm wrapped around my waist, felt so good all I wanted to do was melt into them and forget everything that ever happened today. "Come home Shuichi. That's enough for today. Let's go home and we can work things out. We can cuddle up in front of the TV and watch 'Tokyo Godfathers' and when you feel better you'll start thinking clearly." His fingers somehow still warm brushed hair off my face and I instinctively nuzzled the palm of his hand.

"Yuki" He was so warm, so real, all I had to do was hold on tight and I know Yuki would carry me back to the apartment. Another testament to how much he's changed over the years. He never used to be as sensitive and caring as he is now. Another blooming blossom on his extravagant ivy. Another reason to put an end to this. I don't want to tarnish or ruin something so perfect, so wonderful as Yuki.

"Come on" He pulled me to my feet and took hold of my wrist, guiding me back to the apartment, our apartment, the place I've called home for the past three of our four years.

"No." I pulled back but he wouldn't let go of my wrist. "No" I yanked away turning as I did and nearly stumbled to the floor.

"Shuichi!"

I took off running in the opposite direction. My feet splashing on the wet concrete I slid a few times when I ran through a few puddles and almost knocked into someone, I did fall then but I got back up and kept on running. I could still hear Yuki running after me, calling my name out but I didn't want to look behind me. I knew that if I did...if I did then I would stop running. I would stop and launch myself into his arms as soon as he was close enough.

"Shuichi!"

I picked up the pace. I've always been quick but with this weather and the aches and pains from having sat in the rain all day and being cold and hungry; I probably shouldn't be running. I could feel the beginnings of a fever and slowly my vision was starting to darken around the edges. I'm not gonna make it, I'm not gonna make it, "I'm not gonna make it." I reached the crosswalk but there were very few people on the streets and no cars as far as I could see. The crossing color was green, at least I think it was, I took a step off the curb and immediately heard tires screeching. I didn't see the car but managed to take a step back before falling backwards and landing flat on my ass. A horn honked and then there was water everywhere. I wasn't hit but I got a face full of muddy water.

"Shuichi!" I heard Yuki but I couldn't see him. I couldn't see anything actually; I should try to open my eyes. "Shuichi you moron! Are you trying to kill yourself?" Yuki was yelling but that too was starting to fade. All I wanted now was to cuddle up into his arms and sleep through this hellish nightmare.

"Shuichi? Shu? Hold on Shu I'm taking you home." I felt his arms wrap around my legs and shoulders and I felt myself being lifted. His warm arms felt like fire against my cold skin and I reeled from the pain. "Y-Yuki"

"Hold on Shu" I opened my eyes just long enough to see honey colored eyes mist over with worry and rain. A sad look within the deep orbs of amber, a look I haven't seen since this morning. Since before he got down on one knee...Suddenly I knew what was wrong. I tried to speak by my tongue decided not to want to work anymore and then there was a ringing...then no more.

* * *

I was on a bed somewhere. Somewhere warm and quiet. And dark, so dark I couldn't see the tip of my own nose. It was dark but not scary, almost welcoming in an empty sort of way. I guess it's because I couldn't feel anything. My body wasn't hurting anymore, I wasn't cold or hungry and my mind, my mind was at peace but I think that's because I finally found the answer I was inadvertently looking for. I knew I was looking for a solution to my problem, but it didn't occur to me that the solution to my problem was actually the problem and that the problem was an excuse to avoid the answer that the solution ended up leading me to. And the reason to all of that was the catalyst that set off the chain of events.

Let me explain.

Instead of trying to understand what it was, I saw in his eyes when he smiled so heartwarmingly at me, I tried to figure out why it was there to begin with. Instead of welcoming his love with open arms, I tried to figure out how he got there, and ended up making unwanted discoveries of myself that led me to running away from what was really there but couldn't face.

Yuki had reached the top of the wooden fence, leaving a trail of beautiful flowers along the way. And he did it not with me on it, but with me cheering beside him and not really thinking about what would happen when he reached the top. So when the graceful ivy finally touched the sunshine and let bloom a most magnificent blossom, I made the excuse of having helped him by neglecting my own wooden fence to avoid the fact that deep down, I never thought he was actually going to make it.

I was the one who didn't believe. I didn't believe in Yuki.

That being too much to handle, I made myself feel unworthy of basking in his sunshine so I wouldn't feel so guilty for having so much doubt in the person I considered more important then life itself. And when that ring touched the base of my finger, it was like driving a knife through my heart. But the one to suffer the pain was Yuki.

I'm such a moron.

* * *

I heard voices first. Voices I recognized but couldn't see whom they belonged to. It was still dark but I could hear them all around as if I were in a tunnel with soft echoes whispering in hushed tones. I wiggled my fingers and felt the strangest of fabrics. The bed I was lying on felt like the softest of cotton, so soft you could almost forget it was there. The blackness, the dark surroundings began to move like waves over a midnight ocean, the curves of the creases shone a soft navy and when I touched it, it felt as smooth as the softest of taffeta.

"What did you do to him?"

I recognized Hiro's voice first probably because it's the loudest so far. I could hear others but none was as recognizable as my best friends' were. Just soft murmuring and a scuff of shoes, one set in particular kept going back and fourth like someone pacing the floor.

"I didn't do anything. He's sick from exposure combined with stress and hunger." That one I recognized as my lover. The keeper of my cowardly heart.

"That's exactly why I'm asking what happened. Shu's dumb, but not dumb enough to hide in a park all day during the rain." Hiro sighed and I could already imagine him scratching the back of his head in that telltale sign of frustration and worry. "I just want to know what happened. He was so happy when he called me yesterday morning I didn't hear anything wrong with him. And then to get a call from you at ten o'clock at night about Shu in the hospital...I kept thinking the worst possible thing."

"I know. I probably shouldn't have called but seeing as how you're the idiots' best friend I thought you might like to know. I called his family last night too." This time Yuki sighed, "I ended up with Shu's mom giving me an earful about not taking care of her 'precious baby' and now they're crashing at my apartment. Is insanity hereditary?"

Hiro laughed softly. "I only believed it when I met Shu's family."

Hiro's laughter was the last thing I heard for a while until the next time I opened my eyes and instead of taffeta darkness, I saw blurry images of a hospital ceiling. I could hear more then just the murmuring of voices, there was the beeping of a machine next to me followed by a 'whooshing' sound. The fabric of the bed was no longer the softest cotton but some other rough linen and I could definitely feel my body this time.

'oww' It hurt to move, hurt to think, god it hurt to blink.

"Shu? You awake this time?" Slowly, as slowly and painlessly as possible, I turned my head to see Yuki rubbing his eyes. His hair was messy and his shirt was wrinkled, but he still looked so adorable I just wanted to kiss the breath out of him.

"Yu-" My throat felt like sandpaper, dry and raspy. I coughed once to clear my throat and ended up setting off a fit that left me wheezing.

"Don't try to talk." Yuki said. He stood up to stretch and I caught a piece of flesh from his beneath his rising shirt. "You developed pneumonia two days ago so you'll be in here for a couple more days."

Two days? How long have I been here?

"Four days." Yuki said looking at me as if he knew what I was thinking. "You had a high fever that wouldn't break until yesterday, and pneumonia had set in two days ago. They said though that if you wake up today, you could be home in two or three days." He grabbed his jacket off the chair he was sitting in and walked towards the door. "I'm gonna fetch the doctor so I'll be back. Don't take that thing off your face."

Thing on my face? I raised my hand and felt the plastic thing strapped around my nose and mouth. Ahh oxygen. Got it.

Ugh, so I ended up in the hospital on my anniversary. How lame is that? From what I remember, poor Hiro and my family got an unexpected surprise from Yuki. I can just imagine my mom and Maiko raising hell and probably raiding Yukis office for any goods on his next novel. Poor Yuki. But I had to smile though, because he did call my family. He called Hiro and he's letting my family crash at our apartment. Yet one more point on how much he's changed, for me, for us.

And to think, I didn't want to marry him. When just about anyone in his or her right mind would jump at the chance to just be in bed with him, Yuki wanted to marry me. And the ring, it was so beautiful I could almost feel it on my finger even now. Wait... it is on my finger. I'm certain I took it off though, didn't I?

"I'm sorry." Yuki's voice startled me and I slightly jumped. I didn't even hear him come back in the room. "I know you didn't want it on but," he sighed and ran weary fingers through limp hair, "you were unconscious and so I indulged myself. You can take it off now." He reached over to remove the ring and I yanked my hand away from his and cradled it tightly against my chest.

"Mine"

"Shu, don't try to talk-"

"Yes" I looked at him and willed him to understand. Please don't make it to hard Yuki. There's so much I need to tell you if only my voice worked properly.

And it seemed he did understand. "Yes" I told him again and this time I smiled at him. I pulled him into a hug and I whispered 'I love you' and this time he cried.

* * *

Two days later, I was released from the hospital with antibiotics, a small oxygen tank and strict orders to do breathing exercises to release the sputum and expand my lungs back to singing capability. Yuki was there the whole time, wheeling me out to his car and fetching my medicine. He hadn't left my side for more then a few hours before I woke up and was there almost consistently after I told him yes. My family had visited but returned home not to long ago and Hiro offered to drop by in a couple of days. Everyone else from NG had sent some nice flowers or 'sparkly drawings'. Which always seemed to disappear whenever Tatsuha stopped by?

My voice isn't completely healed but I can speak a little more now and not as painfully as before. So I guess it wasn't too surprising that when I could speak, Yuki had some questions he very badly wanted answered. Which was something I really wasn't looking forward to. But he did live up to his earlier offer at cuddling on the couch and watching 'Tokyo Godfathers'.

We were just getting comfortable when...

"Are you going to tell me whatever drove you to run crying to a park in the middle of a thunderstorm and thus getting yourself stupidly sick?"

Pretty much Yuki's way of 'please tell me what happened?' Of course without the please.

I licked my lips and tried to think about how I was going to approach this. Maybe I should use the wooden fence metaphor.

"I-" I cough and tried again, "I saw you bloom a beautiful blossom that I never thought you could bloom and I got jealous."

"What?"

"You reached the top of the fence without me and I didn't think you could do it and I tried to tell myself that I helped you by neglecting growing on my fence so I wouldn't feel so guilty for not thinking you could do it."

"Come again?"

"I-" aw screw it. "I-when you smiled at me after proposing to me, you had no fear. No doubt, you were truly happy and I couldn't figure out why." I buried my face in my hands.

"You were...jealous?" He asked confused. I shook my head.

"Not jealous, guilty." I raised my head and looked at him from behind my shoulder. I really had no way of explaining it to him so I ended up using my wooden fence metaphor after all. "Imagine a wooden fence. At the bottom are the fundamentals of what makes a relationship. The most common one being attraction followed by lust. At the top of the fence is what I call the path that leads down the aisle or the sunshine on the other side of the fence, the pinnacle of a relationship. Then the lover in the relationship is the ivy. If the ivy wants to continue in their relationship, they must spread their vines along the fence until they reach the top. And just like the ivy, relationships require time and patience, commitment, compromise, and basically all other sorts of things that lead up to reaching the sunshine. And along the way, whenever a lover conquers a trouble spot they bloom a pretty blossom.

I, when you smiled at me, I didn't see the fear, the doubt that you always seemed to carry with you. You smiled so warmly at me I didn't know what to make of it. At first, I thought it was because you no longer doubted me. You didn't fear giving me your heart but then I started to doubt myself. Because I saw you as the ivy having finally reached the top and seeing you accomplish so much to get there that when I looked back at my own vines I didn't see any. I thought that I had given you everything I had that I had nothing left to reach the top of my own fence and I didn't want to bask in your sunshine. And then I thought, that even if I did start my own journey upwards that once I reached the top and that's after more time spent and more work put into it, that I might not be the same person. I wasn't sure that if I reached my own sunshine that I would still have the same feelings and I didn't want to lose what I felt for you. I realized that these past four years I've been trying to mold you into the perfect boyfriend and you've done so much but I haven't done the same thing in return. I haven't committed the same, accommodated the same way you did. So I figured you deserved better. So I ran."

I had to stop to breathe and to see if Yuki understood my metaphor. Apparently he did at least I hope that's what the frown on his forehead meant. I saw that he was going to say something but I cut him off, I wasn't done yet. "So...I ran. And it wasn't until I was almost hit by that car and looked into your eyes again that I realized I was wrong. I made an excuse that led me to believe I had a problem and needed a solution that ended up bringing me to an answer and the reason for the run around. Basically, the smile you gave me, the love you showed me made me feel so guilty because I never believed you could ever be so happy. I didn't believe in you, that you would touch the sun."

I stopped there more because I couldn't breathe then because I was finished. So I sat there wheezing all the while waiting for him to say something and minutes later, when it seemed like he wasn't going to say anything at all. I was about to get up when strong arms forced me to stay put.

"You idiot" Yuki buried his face into my shoulder and didn't say anything else after that. We stayed on the couch not moving even after the movie finished. I was starting to cramp up but if Yuki wanted me, there I wasn't going to move. "Yuki, the movies over." Yuki finally lifted his head and I saw that either he'd been sleeping or he'd been crying. There was a slight wetness on my shirt but I couldn't tell if it were tears or drool.

With his arms loose, I straightened and stretched before slouching back into his arms.

"You're a real idiot Shuichi."

I looked at Yuki and he looked straight into my eyes. I didn't see fear there nor doubt but I did see some sadness and my heart sank. I hate whenever I make Yuki sad.

He opened his mouth to speak and shut it quickly then finally, "You-you're not an ivy Shu. You're not the one who helped me up the fence, nor were you at the bottom working your way up. There was nothing you had to do."

"Yuki"

He pressed a finger to my lips and gave me a stern look, "You are the sunshine that I bask in. You don't need to bloom flowers to show what you've overcome, and you don't need to reach the top. You're not the same person you were four years ago. You have changed just as I have only you don't see it. You don't annoy me like you used to, you're not as loud, still as stupid as ever but you're more mature. At least you were up until a week ago."

I bit my lip and shook my head, "No I'm not mature I need to learn to grow up and be perfect for you."

"No you don't" Yuki grabbed my hand and fingered the ring on it, "Do you think that if you were still the same idiot as when I met you that I'd propose to you? You've evolved just as I have, just as your music and my books have. We're like, like fine wine. Children are like ivy, they're the ones who need to grow. We're like wine; we just need to age to taste better."

By that point, I was crying. Yuki took me into his arms as I wept and it was then I realized that he was right. We were like wine, slowly aging, maturing towards a better taste, one that only takes time and patience. And unlike the ivy that eventually dies to start anew in spring, wine can last for years, decades and it'll still only get better as it gets older.

Owari

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted...anything. I am too slow. Le sigh.


End file.
